What Are Your True Motives?

Looks like I failed again on updating my blog regularly. :(

During these past few months... I have grown so much closer to God than I did in the past few years.  During the past few months, I talk to God each day and throughout the day.  Recently, I have been able to feel God's presence during most of my waking hours. :)

During the past few months, I have been praying for others as well.  I used to be selfish when I prayed because I only prayed for my family.  I didn't understand the power of prayers and I didn't know that praying for others would mean so much to them.... now I do.

As I was growing up, I used to care too much about what people think of me.  I wanted to feel accepted.  I wanted people to like me.  I wanted people to think that I'm good.  I had too much pride.  I guess all this reflects my insecurities about myself.  I wanted to please people... now all that doesn't matter anymore.  I only want to please God.  It doesn't matter anymore what people thinks about me.

Nehemiah was called by God to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.  After his mission was accomplished, he became governor.  He didn't care for those gifts and food that people wanted to give him.  He didn't take money or anything from the people... because the work he did was for God and he didn't want to take advantage of people's offerings like what the past governors did.  All those material things were not important to him.

The book of Nehemiah made me rethink about my true motives and made me realize that material things are not important.

Last time, I used to hope that I would get gifts for my birthdays, anniversaries, and etc.  Now, all that doesn't matter anymore.  Even though I would say that it wasn't important or not necessary... in my heart, I would hope to get something.  Saying that you don't want something but hoping in your heart for something is putting on a show... what you say is meaningless.  What's important is what is really in your heart... and your actions are able to reflect that.  I used to compare what gifts I got from my parents to the gifts that my siblings got... now all that doesn't matter anymore.

After I gave birth to my two daughters, I used to hope that relatives and friends would come visit me.  Now, all that doesn't matter anymore.  As long as my family is with me... because they are the most important people to me.

How big is the gap between who you really are and who people think you really are?

Quick Update on My Search For God

Wow... I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since my last update.

During this past month, I have been really searching hard for God and learning more about God.

In December 2009 was the first time I actually finished reading a book in the Bible which was Nehemiah.

After that, I read some parts of Matthew... 

I bought Love Dare sometime in December 2009 as well and it has helped me understand alot about love and more about God.

Few months ago, I only listened to a couple of sermons from Pastor Matt Chandler from The Village Church.  Thought he was pretty good.  My sister was the one that told me about him.  She and her friend used to drive an hour to listen to him every week...

It was only until this past month when I learned about LifeChurch.tv from a friend and then I started searching for God aggressively.  Pastor Craig Groeschel is pretty good too.  I'm a more visual person so I love watching the recorded videos of the sermon and not only just hearing it.  So far, I have watched the Margin and Parenthood series.  They were both great!  I am currently watching 30 Days To Live also which is so far so good.

Since the past month, I have been watching/listening to the current sermons from LifeChurch.tv and The Village Church.  I look forward to them each week.

I am also currently trying to finish the Path series by Pastor Matt Chandler.

There were some very useful and informative websites about God and etc. that I came across.  I will post about them soon.

Stay tuned for more... as I will really try to update my Blogs more frequently... hopefully at least 1 to 2 times a week.

Was That God In My Dream?

I had a dream about God(?) several months back...

It's been awhile so let me try to recall my dream.  During the past week before the dream, I wasn't thinking about God or anything about religion.

I dreamt about this old man with long gray hair and a long beard. He asked me whether I am ready.

I didn't answer... I was in deep thought. I was holding on to a book... not sure what book it was... maybe the Bible?

He walked away from me and was about to exit a door... and then I told him to wait and said, "YES, I am ready."

We hugged... and then all of a sudden I felt so relieved and was so happy... and tearing up at the same time. It was happy tears..... and then we flew up into the skies and we were bouncing all over the clouds.

I saw a bright light... it got very bright in an instant and then I just woke up with tears running down my face.

I was still very excited and was asking myself whether that was God or not?

A few days later, I told my sister about the dream and she started tearing up because she had recently prayed with one of her friends for God to show himself to me and again with another friend on Wednesday night that week during her group prayer session. She was shocked and amazed at what happened. She was very happy for my experience and jealous at the same time because she wants to see God also. She said not many people has this opportunity.

Am I that lucky? ;p

My Search for God in 2007

My search for God began in early 2007 in a Catholic church. I stepped in there having doubts about a God and left there thinking that maybe God was really there with me.  I had just lost my job and was feeling very depressed.  For 2 years, I have been passing through this street several times where they had a visitor center which I thought was just a normal visitor center to know more about the city.  One day in 2007, I was drawn by the postcards and so stepped inside for the very first time and was looking at the postcards and then realized it was actually a visitor center for a Catholic church.  A volunteer for the church came over to me and asked whether I believe in a God.  I told him that I grew up a Buddhist and after I took a religion class in college, I became an atheist because I was upset when I found out that Buddhism came from India (no wonder the Buddha statue has dark-toned skin).  So, I didn't know what to believe anymore because religions has been passed down from many generations and they get changed over time.

The volunteer asked, "What will it take for me to believe in God?" and my reply was, "I have to see it to believe it."  He then asked me for a few minutes of my time... to pray for God to show himself to me.  So I
asked him what I needed to do and he said just listen and accept.  So he asked his wife to pray with him and so we all sat down.  I was feeling very anxious.  When he started praying, I also started crying... because I was feeling stressed out... and had too many things on my mind.  As he continued, I felt calm and serenity all of a sudden... I felt that God was there comforting me... and my heartbeat slowed down... and I also stopped crying.  It was a very nice feeling.... It was his wife's turn to pray for me and again I felt the same calmness.  His wife then gave me her contact number and had asked me to call her if I ever wanted to meet up or talk on the phone with her.

I still wasn't sure whether that was God or not.... from that day onwards I began my search for God.  Sometimes I'm still not sure what to believe... I will definitely not have any doubt if God or Jesus can actually show himself to me (not in a dream)... sometimes I wonder whether what I experienced came from another source... from within ourselves cause we only use about 5% of our brain.  Did the couple channel some kind of energy to me (they didn't touch me)?  Or just hearing comforting things... just makes one feel better.  Maybe Quantum theory can explain this...?

I haven't been very good with my search though.... :(  Still haven't done much research on religions.  I do feel closer to God though since I talk to him more nowadays and I pray more often.

I wish that he would just appear in front of me and talk to me.  I'm the kind of person that has to see it to believe it.

So indeed this will be a very long journey.....

During these last few years, I have learned to forgive a few things here and there so I won't feel so much resentment.  I'm the kind of person that will not forget though.... just because I forgive you doesn't mean that I will forget what happened.  It seems that most of the times I only speak to God when I'm in trouble.  I need to speak to him more often on a day-to-day basis.  He's supposed to be my best friend.  I do feel better after speaking to him and sometimes I will have this comforting feeling as if he was there comforting me.

I want to read the Bible to learn more about God. I keep telling myself that but never get around to it.  I finally got the Bible as a gift from my sister sometime last month.

One day, I was feeling overwhelmed and just needed some motivation and inspiration... so I just decided to randomly flip through the pages of the Bible and came across one verse.... I should have taken note of which verse it was because now I can't find it.... it was something along the lines of why am I seeking God if I don't do what needs to be done... I think it was something about building a foundation.  I guess I'll have to read the Bible to find it again.

I hope to become a better person, better wife, and better mom. I don't think I can do it alone. I need God to walk through this with me.

I have just started another blog, http://1on1withgod.blogspot.com, so that I can record some of my talks with God.